A Letter To My Past Self.

This is something I wrote to myself in a journal in September of 2019. I had just given birth a few weeks before. I was sitting there watching my daughter sleep while I got this sudden urge to cry and write. I was crying because I was extremely happy and extremely proud of where I was in life. I wanted to write this to my "past self" as a way to remind myself that who I was yesterday is not a reflection of who I am today. I am not defined by what my past says about me. The past cannot tell me who I am or who I will be. I hope you can apply this to your life and yourself and understand the past does not define us, but only helps us become better tomorrow. If you could talk to your past self what would you say?

To My Past Self.

I was never good to you.

I built friendships off trauma.

I built relationships off lust.

I never took time to understand you. I let friends and foes hurt you.

I let them back in easily because I was afraid to be alone.

I chose people who were generally bad for you. I chose to surround myself with people who made unhealthy habits that only encouraged yours. I will not and do not blame who I was on other people. We made the decisions on our own. We were old enough to say yes or no. I can only say that maybe we wouldn't have made some decisions so easily if I had thought more of who I should surround you with. Deep down this side of me was inside screaming for help. I was never vocal enough to stop my own party.

I never took the time to check on you. I was worried about the World around us. I was worried about the World and I not keeping up with each other and being left behind.

I did what I thought had to be done to still feel - included.

I searched for people to love you because I didn't know how to do it properly on my own yet. I apologize for that. Part of me realized that I don't think you knew how to love yourself on your own because you were too busy trying to fit in places you didn't truly belong.

You had some genuine connections but those numbers were low. You showed yourself, your true face, to a few and those are the people I wish you would have stayed around more.

Although if you had done that, maybe I wouldn't be writing this today. Maybe I would have been me sooner.

You were always trying to fit in somewhere that just was not you. Somewhere you felt shy and awkward. When in reality you are very loud and outgoing. You created this illusion in order to feel good you had to surround yourself with people who were anything but good for you.There were a lot of bad qualities that came out of you when you were too busy chasing and begging for others friendship and love.

I wish I could go back in time and show you that there is much more to life than shallow personalities and parties with people that don't know more than your first name.

But like I said - I did what I thought I had to do so you weren't alone.

Then suddenly the World finally stopped spinning. Its like it had chewed you up and spit you out.

I remember you were so drained of the constant ups and downs.

The back and forth.

Making impulsive and selfish decisions. You wanted to look at yourself and think good things again.

If I am being honest here I don't know if there ever was a first time you thought good thoughts of yourself. Were there?

Realizing so much of your life wasn't genuine to yourself. You acted in ways because you thought it would give you happiness. There were great moments don't mistake my words, but were you truly happy?

Then something happened to you. You were forced to make a life changing decision.

In all honesty, the road you were on wasn't a long one. In my opinion this wasn't a life changing decisions this was a life saving opportunity.

You couldn't be the way you were anymore. The looming depression and the self hatred growing inside of you, you needed to finally get up from (damn near) rock bottom and do something. Anything.

So, you did what we were always afraid of.

You decided to be alone.

For the first time in years we were alone.

Maybe not completely, those genuine friends you made were still present.

Nine months of getting to know who you are and changing who we were.

Nine months of bettering yourself.

There were no distractions.

I am so proud of where we came from to where we are today.

You deserve to live a life of truths. A life of happiness. A life surrounded by people who actually care and love you for who you are.

Those were the hardest nine months of your life.

Emotionally, physically and mentally but I am so f*cking proud of you.

So proud that you were able to start living more fearless of what others thought of you. You decided to embrace your hobbies and surrounding yourself with only positive and influential relationships. Embracing you was the first step in changing.

Here is to living unapologetic and doing what makes you happy.

Love always,

me.