Breastfeeding Sucks - But I Do It Anyway

One of the first things people ask you while you're pregnant is are you planning on nursing. Not every woman's body can nurse and not every baby can learn how to latch on. A common misconception around breastfeeding is that the baby should know how to latch right away and that just isn't the case.

I decided that if my body allowed it, I would breastfeed my daughter. I wanted to breastfeed because I had read so much on the benefits for the baby that it made me want to do it just that much more. I am fortunate to have the opportunity to breastfeed my daughter without any complications, in regards to my milk supply and her latching.

Every mother is different and I definitely recommend that you learn the benefits of breastfeeding before knocking breast milk off the table. However, my experience with breastfeeding hasn't been the greatest part of motherhood and I am not ashamed anymore of saying it. Moms everywhere call it "magic milk," giving it a superior complex to its counter part - formula. Yet, nobody talks about how detrimental breastfeeding is to the mothers' mental health.

Breastfeeding causes extreme anxiety to my body, and I am not alone. It is a condition known as D-MER. It is an acronym for dysphoric milk ejection reflex. I went into this in a YouTube video, which is still available to watch on my channel. I will leave a link below for you if you would like to watch. If you struggle with mental health and anxiety, maybe research it and bring it up with your gynecologist if you are thinking of breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding is a lot of work.

I prefer to feed directly from the breast instead of pumping. My daughter however prefers a bottle over the boob now, so I have to try and remind myself to pump. I absolutely hate pumping. It is so annoying and uncomfortable. I have to chug water to feel normal and feel less anxious. I am at a crossroads with myself because although I love the benefits with the antibodies protecting my babe, knowing she is getting the best nutrition and also the bonding experience from it, here I am hating doing it.

As I mentioned above, I feel this awful anxiety when I breastfeed. In the beginning, I thought that breastfeeding was supposed to be this beautiful experience and natural feeling. I thought I was going to love the bonding experience with my daughter while feeding her and the fact that I don't just not like it, but actually hate it made me very uneasy. It also sort of shocked me. Since I have not enjoyed the experience of breastfeeding overall, it made me feel like an awful mother because my experience was not "normal". Everly and I have bonded in ways unimaginable from breastfeeding but I wish I could have a better experience with it.

I feel guilty every time I stop pumping for a week or so at a time. I feel guilty when I don't eat a super nutritious meal. I feel guilty when I have alcohol even if I know I won't be nursing for a few hours and well after the alcohol is out of my system. Overall, I just feel so much guilt. It gives me anxiety feeling that guilty. I feel like if I stop breastfeeding that in a sense I am stripping my daughter away from this amazing and beneficial milk and food source. Yet, my mental state is being crushed every time I am reminded to pump, or that I should pump more.

I know I should. I just hate it.

During quarantine, I was exclusively breast feeding from the breast. (With the occasional formula supplement). So I did find that my milk supply significantly reduced. I stopped pumping because it was and is the worst thing ever. I am just now starting back since I am at work again.

I am also very uncomfortable feeding Everly in public. It's just me. I am not comfortable with it. Maybe it's my anxiety that makes it that way for me but I would much rather be in a room alone to do it. A few months back at a check up for my daughter and she got hungry and I had to just whip it out right then and there. I felt uncomfortable even if nobody else cared, I did. I completely support women who want to breastfeed in public but personally I am not very comfortable with my body being out like that.

At the end of the day the reason I am breastfeeding is because I am too guilty or too ashamed to stop giving my daughter the best I can, especially because my body allowed me to do this for her. I want to go to at least her first birthday when I am able to introduce new milks and more foods to her. For now, I guess I will suffer and manage it. I only have three more months until I have a toddler. I can do it.

There is one thing I can say that has been beneficial for me during my time breastfeeding though. I had to wake up in the middle of the night to feed her seconds, instead of having to go to the kitchen downstairs for a bottle. It has saved both me, and her hours of sleep. Yet, this is the only thing that comes to mind that I liked personally about breastfeeding, in regards to benefits for myself.

Youtube link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEV7lOY4mP4