Learning Self Love

From the moment I was 15 years old - when puberty finally blessed me and boys started to give me attention - I was always concentrated on having a guys attention. I was a typical girl. I wanted attention or a boyfriend.

I was like this for a LONG time. I didn't really take "breaks" when it came to relationships. I don't count any high school relationships as real relationships. They were little flings. They lasted 3-5 months each so I just don't see that as a relationship. (oops.)

I was super dependent on others for happiness, not just boys but friends too. I wasn't comfortable being alone that I would over extend my friendship and I was constantly going somewhere. Doing something. I always felt like something was missing. I would try to fit pieces together that didn't fit. I would try and force myself to fit in where I didn't.

I know I have briefly talked about this and brought up about how I had hated being alone but this goes a little deeper with it. Its more on self love and being comfortable with myself.

I spent so much time alone while I was pregnant that I became a homebody. I prefer nights playing games or watching a movie rather than the clubbing or party I would typically choose. I go out very rarely now, I mean obviously finding a sitter is not the easiest thing ever but I also don't go out of my way to go out anymore. So when I do go out I have a great time and I appreciate all the time I have out.

It's weird. I remember times when I was out with friends and all I wanted to do was be home. I knew this side of me was there but I hated not being included or being alone.

With my time during pregnancy and even postpartum I have just been so comfortable alone, but also I learned what I want and what I deserve. I don't have time to think about getting to know someone new. I have too many goals for myself to get done before I attempt a relationship. I mean don't get me wrong I would love to just have someone but it's not just me anymore. There is so much more to dating for me now that adding something foreign and unknown to my life and my daughters, would be such a back set.

I used to have thoughts like, "Well I can put up with this much" or "What they did hurt me but I don't think they'll do it again." Which, in some cases is fine. Humans make mistakes, its what makes us human. I just would say those sayings several times for people who would constantly hurt me or put me in a position where I was torn with self respect and being in their life. I would worry about losing friends too often. I would worry about losing people in general. This created sooo much stress on me, for no reason.

I have realized I rather have small group of genuine connections versus a large group with people I barely know. I hate feeling like nobody gets what I am saying or where I am coming from.

I had to learn to let go of what was not meant to stay.

Something I needed to do to really start the self love and self respect process was that I needed to let go. I needed to forgive. Anything and everything people have said or done. I didn't want that energy in my life. I needed to heal those wounds, those feelings so that they would not bleed onto my daughter.

I did this with everyone. Life is too short and sweet to be bitter or hold onto it. People may see that as naiive to do so, but not to me. I forgave and moved forward because it was the thing I needed to do. It was what I needed to do to grow up. I can't be mad at something someone did when I was 19 years old forever.

This happen. We are all humans, we all make mistakes.

Becoming comfortable alone has done me wonders. I have less stress on my plate, learned a lot about myself, and I have real goals that I have accomplished or close to accomplishing. I finally make long term goals and get confident I will accomplish them.

I think it is so true that you can't appreciate or really love being friends or with someone without being comfortable alone. I think being alone helped me appreciate who I was and who I am to really recognize true friendships and relationships I have made. I needed this stability in myself that if something happened and I was left alone, I wouldn't be broken. I needed to be so sure in myself that when presented that I would be alone, I wouldn't go try and fill in that puzzle again with something that doesn't fit.

Love yourself, first always.