They Ask Me What It Was Like.

Oh no. I know I said I wouldn't have another one of these for a while but hey, I feel like being vulnerable.

I get asked a lot what it was like being pregnant and single. How I did it? How I managed? What did I feel like?

To tell you the truth... it is definitely soul crushing and difficult. I had a lot more downs than ups. I had a lot of nights where I felt like giving up. Although I feel like I became a stronger person from going through something like this. I would not change anything that happened because I gained so much more respect for myself. I gained a new found confidence I didn't have before.

It's very hard to explain in words that even make sense. Some days I didn't even think about it. I didn't even look at myself and see someone that was a "single", pregnant, and soon-to-be mother.

I just saw me.

I saw a soon-to-be mother whose super excited and happy.

Then other days I cried so much.

I could single-handedly cure the drought in California with my tears. I have never cried so much in my life than I did in those 9 months.

Hormones are insane while pregnant. Some days I felt amazing and on top of the world. I felt unstoppable. Other days I felt like my heart got ran over by a truck. Emotions aside, my body was changing. I was learning to not only love myself again but love this new body too. I was always very self conscience and insecure.

I wish I had celebrated and loved my pre-pregnancy body the way it deserved to be loved. I have always generally been small. So when I went up a few sizes and my feet looked like balloons. It definitely took a hit on my already present insecurities.

I was trying to desperately appreciate my body for everything it was doing but it was hard.

If I'm being honest envy is what really made my pregnancy hard. I have friends that were pregnant around the same time I was and I will be the first to admit I wanted to be them so much. I had an amazing support group of family and friends but it just wasn't the same. I am definitely not the first woman to go through something like that and I won't be the last, sadly. I just wanted what they had. I wanted a partner during this. I guess in a way it was better off of me being alone, I mean I was single for a reason. Yet, I just longed for the experience. I wanted to be appreciated for creating and carrying the life of a soon-to-be beautiful baby girl and I didn't get that in the way I wanted. I felt an urge of overwhelming sadness when I thought about how lucky other women must have it. With a guy that created life with them just as excited as they were.

I know I should not have based my idea of happiness based on what I have seen on social media moms. I know every one has their own battles and struggles and nothing is as great as it seems on social media, but it still hurt.

I wanted someone there. I wanted someone to be excited and think about baby names together. I wanted that connection that other people had with their significant other. I wanted to have a debate on what the nursery theme should look like. I wanted to compare baby pictures and think about what she would look like. What features I hope she gets and so on. I'm sure whoever is reading this can be like "yeah those are things you could do by yourself though". Of course I could still do that, alone and I did it alone.

As much as I wanted that while I was pregnant I love how special and strong the bond I have with my daughter is. I don't know how it would be if it was different.

My hardest battle in life to date was pregnancy. It was soul crushing like I stated. I know that there are some people from my past that have made comments about my pregnancy announcement and how I am single mother- in a belittling way. I remember it would get to me. I would get so upset because I was so confused of why people were making fun of my pregnancy announcement because I was single. They had no idea about my situation. They had no idea what relationship I had with the father. It was none of their business yet they took it upon themselves to talk about me?

I don't know how to explain how it made me feel except for foolish and very insecure. I just wanted to be happy and enjoy my pregnancy and in the beginning I let too many people control how I felt. I let people make me feel bad about being a single mother, blaming myself for putting myself in this situation, beginning to believe their foolish words. Yet, what about the other side? Why was it all my fault and why am I the joke to them?

I wanted to scream and cry and I could do absolutely nothing. I was very uneasy all my pregnancy. My mom had to keep reminding me and telling me to stop talking to people that brought this emotion out of me. I literally had to remove people off social media because I was constantly upsetting myself about my situation. I let people affect my emotions and life too easily back then.

By six or seven months pregnant I stopped listening to what those people were saying about me. I was tired of it. I didn't care. I did at first but then I realized none of those people cared about me and they just craved drama in their lives. Even if its negative drama about someone else. (In my case they made my positive into some scandalous negative thing)

I had to stop listening because all it did was tear me down and I let it ruin such a beautiful time in my life.

There was a point where my anxiety got so bad during pregnancy, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was always questioning my life and who I was. I was wondering why I wasn't good enough to get a happy pregnancy. I always questioned why I got the sh*t end of the stick too many times to count. I wanted something to finally go good for me. I have the worst luck in the world.

My life could be worse, I know. These were just thoughts I had constantly through my pregnancy.

I think if maybe in the near and far future, if I ever feel ready to date again and I am in a secure relationship I will consider having another child. That is a very small if though. I did not enjoy any part of pregnancy. I had an emotionally traumatic one and it did take a toll on me.

I think a part of me associates all these horrible feelings and sadness with pregnancy that it makes me think that overall the whole process is too much. Can you get PTSD from a pregnancy? I think so.

I can’t say this was all a bad journey though. I just wish it was happier overall. I had so much beautiful support from people who love me. My mom and sister especially. They were truly my rocks through this.

Next time you have a friend or a family member going through this alone, remember to hug her or make sure she knows that she's strong if she doesn't like hugs (like me). Don't let her cry herself to sleep. Remind her she is brave and she will get through it. Remind her at the end of this, holding that baby will be the most rewarding feeling ever. Remind her that she is seen for what she's doing.

This journey is a hard one.

This journey is defining.

This journey isn't meant for one fragile heart to carry.

Remind her she is already a strong mother.