The day I found out I was pregnant was January 3rd, 2019.
Although, if I am being honest with you I think my subconscious knew I was pregnant well before the three tests I took confirmed it.
I am a strong believer in signs. Do you believe in signs? The crazy thing about how I found out I was pregnant was that I truly ignored how I felt about something being off with me, yet I would constantly see posts on Facebook and Twitter about pregnancy and jokes about being pregnant.
It was literally days of the universe throwing signs at me, other than the fact I had not gotten a period for 10+ days. (I know, that sounds long but I have very irregular periods so cut me some SLACK.) I finally gave up on a Wednesday night when I had hit two weeks late.
I remember going on a run to Walgreens up the street to my house and I bought not one, but THREE different tests. I needed to be extra extra sure. Even though I knew deep down that I was. I cried a lot. Mostly because I was terrified. I had just gotten out of a two year "on-again-off-again" relationship, I was extremely immature and just not fit to be a mother.
I also cried because I am a lot of things but being the Queen of melodrama is definitely the top of the list. My reasons for being upset included my 21st birthday coming up and how I wouldn't be able to have fun with my friends anymore.
How shallow of me. I literally cannot believe those were actual thoughts in my head. I didn't realize how incredibly selfish I was until I took a real look at myself.
I called my sister as soon as I took all three. I was in disbelief. I thought this sort of thing would not and could not happen to me!
I felt my world crashing down under me. I was thinking all negative things about the situation. I was angry, upset and scared. I didn't notice how truly beautiful this gift was. I also didn't realize how much I needed this to turn myself around.
I will be honest with you, going through with the pregnancy was not my first thought. Like I said, I was a different person. I am not saying women who get an abortion are selfish, reckless and party people who just want it to keep going. I just personally couldn't do it and didn't want to do it.
For one, I felt like the reasons I didn't want to be pregnant were not valid enough for me to go through such a procedure. Just because I was single didn't make me the first single woman to go through pregnancy.
I was also not emotionally secure enough to go through something like that. I deal with a lot of demons already and I didn't want another one to carry for the rest of my life.
- As open as I want to be on this blog with everyone I am not too sure I really want to continue to talk about that just yet. I honestly feel ashamed for even thinking about that option every time I look at my daughter. I stand by and still believe it is a woman's choice to do what she wants with her body. I just don't think everyone knows how absolutely difficult a decision like that is to make, and the truth of the matter is you won't know until you have to make it. #ProChoice -
I didn't know where I would go from there. I stayed at my sisters apartment that night because I was luckily off work for the next three days. So I could sit and realize what I was going through. I didn't tell anyone else because I was ashamed and I was scared that everyone would react negatively.
I already felt like the screw-up of the family as it was because all I did was go out and have fun. I worked still but had nothing to really show for it. I went down a party path in college and just didn't seem to get out of it until real life had came and hit me in the face. Which luckily it did.
Side note, there is nothing wrong with going out and having fun! I just had no self control. Like zero.
After three days of hiding out at my sisters apartment and a few panic attacks later... I had eventually worked up the courage to talk to my parents. I told my mom and then the next day I told my dad. To my surprise, they weren't even mad.
I know I was a twenty year-old woman, they can't get mad but try telling your parents your pregnant and single within a month of each other and see how that feels. It was scary. Especially because I was never really open about anything growing up or even while I was older, until recently.
I always struggled talking to my parents about anything. (I mean what teenage girl doesn't?) But in all honesty I just didn't know how too. We used to clash heads a lot because I didn't know how to communicate in a way that they would know how to listen and vice versa. I think becoming pregnant helped my relationship with my parents because they truly became my best friends. Especially my mom. She helped me so much during pregnancy and even during the postpartum she continues to help me.
Slowly but surely I began to tell everyone else I was pregnant. As scary as this time in my life was I wish I could go back in time and reassure myself that everything will be just fine.
I know that this happened for a reason and the Universe sent me my daughter to help me grow as a person and become a better person. I look at videos and pictures of who I was before and all I see is a stranger.
A friend once told me there are only two people in this world that can change someone,
their child and themselves.
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